This morning I came across a picture that made my heart stop. This picture was taken in May when I was in the hospital for a week. My ex and my son were next to me on the hospital bed. We were planning on using this as our Christmas card photo this year because we had all spent so much time in the hospital over the past three years. Little did I know that less than two months later, I would be separated.
My partner and best friend and my dream of being shunt free were taken away from me all at the same time. I thought I was coping well with this until a couple of days ago. I don't really know what changed, but my heart is full of sadness. I miss my best friend terribly and it's hard letting my son go off to another home every other weekend.
It doesn't help that I haven't been feeling very good the last couple of weeks. I have to pump my shunt often to relieve pressure. I am not sure yet if there is something wrong or if my brain is just getting used to this amount of pressure. I am hoping it's the latter of the two.
On top of all this, I have financial concerns. My ex is taking good care of me financially but there are no guarantees in life. What if something happens to him? People tell me not to worry about things like that but I can't help it. I need to know that I can support myself on my own. I haven't worked in 10 years outside the home and so far it's proving very hard trying to gain employment. Besides I need to have enough extra money for emergencies and for traveling to see our family and friends that live in California. None of the side projects that I mentioned in my last post are panning out. Finding secure employment is becoming a lot harder than I realized. My next step is to go to a temp agency. Hopefully then I can start work right away. My confidence is shot though because I am worried that my short term memory loss will be a problem like it has been in past employment. Now the memory loss is even worse than before.
Even though my office is organized and ready for me to write my children's book and/or novel, my anxieties are keeping me from thinking clearly. Also I am starting to doubt if I am even good enough to accomplish these tasks. Part of me tells me to just give up on the dream of ever being a published author. I am an avid reader and I just don't believe that I am good enough. I guess I will never know if I don't try.
Readers please keep me in your thoughts and prayers. I don't feel like I am in a good place mentally right now. In the back of my mind I feel that something BIG is coming my way. Could be a new relationship or a new job. I just don't know but having patience and getting to that point is very difficult. I am trying to go back to doing the things I enjoyed before I became so sick three years ago and I have been surrounding myself with supportive friends. You know who you are and from the bottom of my heart thank you! I am literally counting down the days (72!) until my son and I see our family and friends in California again. I can't even express into words how much I miss all of you and can't wait to hug, cry, and dance with you all!
This blog is about living my life with Hydrocephalus. I acquired it shortly after birth so I have many experiences to share. I will be very open about my journey. Feel free to comment, ask questions, suggest a topic for me to write about and share the posts. Please keep in mind that I am just one person out of millions. We may not all share the same symptoms and experiences but we can certainly be there for one another. Thanks for reading!!
